I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize