I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Pooping to opera.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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