k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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