What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
