my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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