Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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