sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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