Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
