omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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