paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize