i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize