well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
