i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
