I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
