got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Alive.
So much puke
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
