Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
