So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
