My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Your cock deserves a montage
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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