If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
a search helicopter?!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
