my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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