is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
