i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
