Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize