Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
