So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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