Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
where are my eyebrows?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
