i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
