eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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