He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
