I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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