Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize