You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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