this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
