The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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