Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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