I wannas sexs uuuuu
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
