based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
