i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
