No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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