You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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