The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
