I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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