i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
