fuck your aforementioned shoe
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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