I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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