Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
