I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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