smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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