I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
