that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
