Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
