OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
