fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
