you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Panties = found
Randomize
