and you said cock pushups were impossible
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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