wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
God, you're like boner-b-gone
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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