i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
