I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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