why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize