There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
