she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
