Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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