I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize