I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
