I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
